First post

New Year. New Blog. New Me. New phase in life. I was told by my husband that he wanted a divorce just after the holidays. He told me that it was really nothing that I did, just that there was no spark there anymore. Like we were just good/best friends, but that there was no romantic feelings for me. He also said that he had been feeling this way for about a year, but never told me about it. I was completely shocked. I felt as though the earth had just dropped out from under me. I had been asking him if there was something going on for over a year because it had just felt as though we weren't connecting. Like we weren't even speaking the same language anymore. But he told me that that was not the case at all. Then all of a sudden he tells me that its over. That there is nothing we can do to save us, he's already made up his mind and he's spent the last year trying to figure out what it is that is missing and trying to keep it together for us. He said that there is something inside him that is missing, this big hole, and that no one person can help him fill it. I was aghast. How could he not tell me that he was having this problem? Why didn't he tell me a year ago that it was over? So two weeks after he told me it was over I moved out. In those two weeks I managed to go through an entire range of emotions I didn't even know I could have. But by the end of day 3 I had realized that my marriage was over and had been for quite some time. I was holding on to something that didn't exist anymore and someone who really didn't want to be held on to. And for what? I changed a lot of who I was for him. I was a simple girl who liked sports and movies and being involved in the theater and the church. I loved hanging out with my friends and being on the go. But once we moved to Fullerton all that changed. I even stopped watching football. Was it entirely his fault? No, I didn't have to change, I could have just stuck to my guns and 5 or so years ago we would have realized that we were completely incompatible and that sometimes you can't go back to the way that things used to be and pick up right where you left off. I wasn't the same person he dated 8 years prior, nor was he the same. He wasn't bad, just different, and I was different and our differences were so drastic that I compromised myself into who I thought he wanted me to be. That left me insecure and worried that if any part of me wasn't what he wanted (personality and interest wise) that he would find someone else who could fill that void. And I realized, on that 3rd day, that that is precisely what happened. I became the someone else who filled that void....but it made me miserable and made him fall out of love with me. Part of me wishes he could have just been happy with the fact that he had someone in his life who knew who she was and was completely opposite from him, but I changed for him. And that didn't work. So now I am a month out of the house. Life is going ok, but we still have to get through this divorce thing. Its gonna be bad, I can feel it in my bones, even though the two of us are trying to make it as amicable as possible. But when money comes into play we have issues. It will always get dirty. Sad. As for this new phase of my life I am trying to get on with where I left off before I got into drugs and then got married. I am trying to get me back. Who am I? I am a singer, a writer, and actress, a stage tech, a friend, a sister, a daughter, a geek, and a hopeless romantic. I sill believe in love, I still believe in romance....is it out there for me? Only time will tell. Is there an actual puzzle piece out there that I have been missing that can give me my special brand of romance and intimacy? Stay tuned to find out.