Sometimes you even fool yourself

I was recently reminded that things that are posted on the interwebs are there for all to see even if you take them off, but it's even worse when you don't even remember what you wrote. I didn't write anything bad, just things that I probably shouldn't have if that wasn't what I was truly feeling. I think that I took Facebook to be a place where I could post all the happy that was really hiding all the sad. I lived on Facebook, it was my only link to the outside world and it's only link back to me. So I put on a good face. I have been looking at pictures of myself and the ex and neither of us look actually happy when we are in pictures together. It looks like a façade, and let me tell you, the two of us are great actors. We even had ourselves and the other one fooled. Calling him the love of my life was something I thought that I should say because we were married. Truth be told our marriage was one of practicality more so than love and passion. I know that he would agree. We just didn't fit properly. It's like that one puzzle piece that has an extra little bump that you know if you cut off would fit perfectly, but then the puzzle would look funny. We almost fit. I just wish we had realized it sooner. It would have saved us a lot of trouble that we didn't need. It would have saved our families from heart break.... I can't say that I am sorry for the relationship or that I regret it at all. As I always say, I never regret anything, it makes me who I am and why should I be sorry for who I am. I don't regret the relationship or even the marriage really. I learned who I was by being who I wasn't. I learned that I can fight for something when I want it bad enough and I can walk away just as easily as I can fight. I learned that I am creative and that no matter what someone does to me or makes me feel I won't crawl down in the dirt to get revenge. I don't even want revenge. I just want to be done with him for good. And I think I finally am. It's only a financial relationship now, until I don't need that from him anymore. I wish him all the best though.

The Best Things In Life Happen When Least Expected.....

That is what someone told me recently and I am beginning to believe it. Out of nowhere things are starting to make sense, so much sense. And I realize that what might not make sense to everyone else does happen to make sense to me and that is all that really matters. I do care what people feel and I don't want to hurt anyone's sensibilities by my actions or words, but I have to stop caring what they think so much. They are not walking in my shoes or living every second of my life. Only I am doing that. I have been living my life worrying so much about what other people think of every little decision that I make for so long and it has done nothing but make me miserable and second guess myself every step of the way. I am learning that it shouldn't be that way, I should be living my life in the way that I am supposed to be and that the way it's supposed to be is between myself and God and that is it. So what are these best things that are happening? Well I am finally getting myself back into the workforce. Granted, its a temp job but it's still something. I am getting out and about and remembering what it's like to be an independent woman. I am closer to my family than before, but learning that they don't need to know every aspect of my life in detail. I am losing weight. I am hanging out with my friends more often and am even more engaged in their lives. I am involved in helping out at church again. And I even found someone in my life who I can completely be myself around and not have to stand on pretense with . It's a wonderful feeling. And in hanging out with this person I began to realize that all of the friends I have in my life are actually like this. They like me for who I was, who I am now and who I am going to be in the future. They do have concerns about certain things, but they wouldn't change me for the world. It's wonderful to realize that there are people out there who look at you and want you in their lives just because you are who you are. I have been keeping many things from many people for fear of what they might think about how quickly I am moving on with my life. But I think I can share this here. There is someone that has been putting a smile on my face. He's helped me to see that even though you may plan for one thing in your life, life doesn't always think that that is the best plan and you just have to roll with it. I used to fight life every step of the way and do things the way I thought that would protect me from being hurt, but all that did was bring me more pain. So I decided to follow his lead and not plan for anything, just let life take its course. And this course is taking me down a road I very much like. This road is making me happy, it's making me smile and it's giving me faith in something I had long lost faith in. And the best part is, I actually have a travelling companion on this road. :-)

It's a Little Bit Funny.....

So my life is funny, no really it is. I know it seems as though it't not at times but it really is. Just when I think that my life is going in one direction it turns out that the way I was going was totally wrong and that it's time for a detour. Where I used to get angry with the detours before, I am learning that the comedy in my life comes from those detours. It's interesting how you can look back on things and realize the humor in them after they are all over. Well I have realized that I need to start finding the humor in them now. Lately I have been attempting to live my life in a certain manner that I thought would benefit me most. But in speaking to a friend I realized that that way is not the best way to be....detour....so I am trying it out the way this friend suggested and in it I am not only finding humor but myself. Funny how life turns out that way isn't it? The way that I have lived my life in the past hasn't always been the best. I would hope for the best but expect the worst, always "waiting for the other shoe to drop", but another friend told me that that was a crappy attitude to have and to just jump into life and live it with no worries. He told me that someone once to told him that basically if you live your life afraid of getting hurt you'll never really do anything thus, never really living your life. It was advice I decided to heed.....one more detour. In the past week I have had trials and such, but I always seem to end them with a smile. Perhaps it's some of the "new" people in my life. By "new" I mean that I was acquainted with them in my past but I am much closer to them now. It's a good thing, I think, that I am more than just acquaited with them now, because who I was in the past would not have been good for them to really know. I can call them friends now and I like that. So here I am, starting over, new outlook, new attitude, new everything and I like this detour. It seems to be taking me to where I need to be. To who I need to be and to who I need to be around. I will carry those from that past that mean something and matter, because the comedy in these detours they can appreciate. But the Telly that would always be waiting for the bad to happen....yeah she has got to go. The Telly that I am becoming now, I like her and apparently others like her too. I guess you can say that getting the divorce was the best thing that ever happened to me. It has opened up my eyes to who I was, who I was becoming and to who I want to be. I am not hurt by it anymore, I can't change it....I can only change my reactions to what is happening now. And honestly I am happy now. I can only hope that he finds happiness too one day. I am sure he will, but I know I won't be around to see it. I used to want to be around to see it, I used to think that I deserved that much after all the years I put in, but not anymore. I think it's time to make the break from even trying to be friends right now. The only thing that we both deserve is our respective happiness....we owe each other nothing besides well wishes. So I am saying good-bye to him and all that we ever were. He will just be another memory that I can smile about one day. And the funny part is I'm not even sad about it....in fact I want to thank him for this detour....this detour is exactly where I needed to be at the exact right time. Where this road is taking me, I know not, but I don't really care to know what lies ahead. It's actually quite fun not trying to figure out what's around every corner. It makes life far more exciting and far more interesting. This Telly is taking things slowly with everything, realizing that everything in her life happens for a reason and happens just when it's supposed to happen. I can't really put into words the elation I feel coming to this realization. And I have a few special people to thank for that (one in particular). Will I get hurt on this road? Possibly. Will I recover from that hurt? Most definitely. I am a survivor. Should I be scared about everything that is happening? No. Because it's happening for reasons I may not even understand yet and I am ok with that. To end this, I have to say that I am not only happy, but I am content and comfortable with myself for the first time in my life. I know that I am work in progress and that I have many more detours ahead of me and I will take them head on with a smile on my face and try to find the humor in it all. And one day, who knows how soon, maybe I will even find someone who wants to take all those detours with me....It is a little bit funny....this feeling inside....to finally be able to find yourself and be happy.