Sometimes you even fool yourself

I was recently reminded that things that are posted on the interwebs are there for all to see even if you take them off, but it's even worse when you don't even remember what you wrote. I didn't write anything bad, just things that I probably shouldn't have if that wasn't what I was truly feeling. I think that I took Facebook to be a place where I could post all the happy that was really hiding all the sad. I lived on Facebook, it was my only link to the outside world and it's only link back to me. So I put on a good face. I have been looking at pictures of myself and the ex and neither of us look actually happy when we are in pictures together. It looks like a façade, and let me tell you, the two of us are great actors. We even had ourselves and the other one fooled. Calling him the love of my life was something I thought that I should say because we were married. Truth be told our marriage was one of practicality more so than love and passion. I know that he would agree. We just didn't fit properly. It's like that one puzzle piece that has an extra little bump that you know if you cut off would fit perfectly, but then the puzzle would look funny. We almost fit. I just wish we had realized it sooner. It would have saved us a lot of trouble that we didn't need. It would have saved our families from heart break.... I can't say that I am sorry for the relationship or that I regret it at all. As I always say, I never regret anything, it makes me who I am and why should I be sorry for who I am. I don't regret the relationship or even the marriage really. I learned who I was by being who I wasn't. I learned that I can fight for something when I want it bad enough and I can walk away just as easily as I can fight. I learned that I am creative and that no matter what someone does to me or makes me feel I won't crawl down in the dirt to get revenge. I don't even want revenge. I just want to be done with him for good. And I think I finally am. It's only a financial relationship now, until I don't need that from him anymore. I wish him all the best though.

The Best Things In Life Happen When Least Expected.....

That is what someone told me recently and I am beginning to believe it. Out of nowhere things are starting to make sense, so much sense. And I realize that what might not make sense to everyone else does happen to make sense to me and that is all that really matters. I do care what people feel and I don't want to hurt anyone's sensibilities by my actions or words, but I have to stop caring what they think so much. They are not walking in my shoes or living every second of my life. Only I am doing that. I have been living my life worrying so much about what other people think of every little decision that I make for so long and it has done nothing but make me miserable and second guess myself every step of the way. I am learning that it shouldn't be that way, I should be living my life in the way that I am supposed to be and that the way it's supposed to be is between myself and God and that is it. So what are these best things that are happening? Well I am finally getting myself back into the workforce. Granted, its a temp job but it's still something. I am getting out and about and remembering what it's like to be an independent woman. I am closer to my family than before, but learning that they don't need to know every aspect of my life in detail. I am losing weight. I am hanging out with my friends more often and am even more engaged in their lives. I am involved in helping out at church again. And I even found someone in my life who I can completely be myself around and not have to stand on pretense with . It's a wonderful feeling. And in hanging out with this person I began to realize that all of the friends I have in my life are actually like this. They like me for who I was, who I am now and who I am going to be in the future. They do have concerns about certain things, but they wouldn't change me for the world. It's wonderful to realize that there are people out there who look at you and want you in their lives just because you are who you are. I have been keeping many things from many people for fear of what they might think about how quickly I am moving on with my life. But I think I can share this here. There is someone that has been putting a smile on my face. He's helped me to see that even though you may plan for one thing in your life, life doesn't always think that that is the best plan and you just have to roll with it. I used to fight life every step of the way and do things the way I thought that would protect me from being hurt, but all that did was bring me more pain. So I decided to follow his lead and not plan for anything, just let life take its course. And this course is taking me down a road I very much like. This road is making me happy, it's making me smile and it's giving me faith in something I had long lost faith in. And the best part is, I actually have a travelling companion on this road. :-)

It's a Little Bit Funny.....

So my life is funny, no really it is. I know it seems as though it't not at times but it really is. Just when I think that my life is going in one direction it turns out that the way I was going was totally wrong and that it's time for a detour. Where I used to get angry with the detours before, I am learning that the comedy in my life comes from those detours. It's interesting how you can look back on things and realize the humor in them after they are all over. Well I have realized that I need to start finding the humor in them now. Lately I have been attempting to live my life in a certain manner that I thought would benefit me most. But in speaking to a friend I realized that that way is not the best way to be....detour....so I am trying it out the way this friend suggested and in it I am not only finding humor but myself. Funny how life turns out that way isn't it? The way that I have lived my life in the past hasn't always been the best. I would hope for the best but expect the worst, always "waiting for the other shoe to drop", but another friend told me that that was a crappy attitude to have and to just jump into life and live it with no worries. He told me that someone once to told him that basically if you live your life afraid of getting hurt you'll never really do anything thus, never really living your life. It was advice I decided to heed.....one more detour. In the past week I have had trials and such, but I always seem to end them with a smile. Perhaps it's some of the "new" people in my life. By "new" I mean that I was acquainted with them in my past but I am much closer to them now. It's a good thing, I think, that I am more than just acquaited with them now, because who I was in the past would not have been good for them to really know. I can call them friends now and I like that. So here I am, starting over, new outlook, new attitude, new everything and I like this detour. It seems to be taking me to where I need to be. To who I need to be and to who I need to be around. I will carry those from that past that mean something and matter, because the comedy in these detours they can appreciate. But the Telly that would always be waiting for the bad to happen....yeah she has got to go. The Telly that I am becoming now, I like her and apparently others like her too. I guess you can say that getting the divorce was the best thing that ever happened to me. It has opened up my eyes to who I was, who I was becoming and to who I want to be. I am not hurt by it anymore, I can't change it....I can only change my reactions to what is happening now. And honestly I am happy now. I can only hope that he finds happiness too one day. I am sure he will, but I know I won't be around to see it. I used to want to be around to see it, I used to think that I deserved that much after all the years I put in, but not anymore. I think it's time to make the break from even trying to be friends right now. The only thing that we both deserve is our respective happiness....we owe each other nothing besides well wishes. So I am saying good-bye to him and all that we ever were. He will just be another memory that I can smile about one day. And the funny part is I'm not even sad about it....in fact I want to thank him for this detour....this detour is exactly where I needed to be at the exact right time. Where this road is taking me, I know not, but I don't really care to know what lies ahead. It's actually quite fun not trying to figure out what's around every corner. It makes life far more exciting and far more interesting. This Telly is taking things slowly with everything, realizing that everything in her life happens for a reason and happens just when it's supposed to happen. I can't really put into words the elation I feel coming to this realization. And I have a few special people to thank for that (one in particular). Will I get hurt on this road? Possibly. Will I recover from that hurt? Most definitely. I am a survivor. Should I be scared about everything that is happening? No. Because it's happening for reasons I may not even understand yet and I am ok with that. To end this, I have to say that I am not only happy, but I am content and comfortable with myself for the first time in my life. I know that I am work in progress and that I have many more detours ahead of me and I will take them head on with a smile on my face and try to find the humor in it all. And one day, who knows how soon, maybe I will even find someone who wants to take all those detours with me....It is a little bit funny....this feeling inside....to finally be able to find yourself and be happy.

Trying not to over-analyze things

I am clueless. I have no problems admitting that at all. I mean I'm pretty good at helping other people out but when it comes to me absolutely clueless.  I tend to over-analyze every little thing that is said or done.  I want to know the answers now.  I want to know why things are being said and done. I can't just let things happen or late nature take its course. 

I've realized that that is why things always end.... and most times they end in disaster. I've also realized that I am this way because I'm so very scared of being hurt and I hate being out of control.  That's not a good way to live.  So I'm trying not to do that anymore.  I'm just going to let things happen and try not to over-analyze every little thing. Maybe by doing so I can actually live my life and live it to its fullest. 

First post

New Year. New Blog. New Me. New phase in life. I was told by my husband that he wanted a divorce just after the holidays. He told me that it was really nothing that I did, just that there was no spark there anymore. Like we were just good/best friends, but that there was no romantic feelings for me. He also said that he had been feeling this way for about a year, but never told me about it. I was completely shocked. I felt as though the earth had just dropped out from under me. I had been asking him if there was something going on for over a year because it had just felt as though we weren't connecting. Like we weren't even speaking the same language anymore. But he told me that that was not the case at all. Then all of a sudden he tells me that its over. That there is nothing we can do to save us, he's already made up his mind and he's spent the last year trying to figure out what it is that is missing and trying to keep it together for us. He said that there is something inside him that is missing, this big hole, and that no one person can help him fill it. I was aghast. How could he not tell me that he was having this problem? Why didn't he tell me a year ago that it was over? So two weeks after he told me it was over I moved out. In those two weeks I managed to go through an entire range of emotions I didn't even know I could have. But by the end of day 3 I had realized that my marriage was over and had been for quite some time. I was holding on to something that didn't exist anymore and someone who really didn't want to be held on to. And for what? I changed a lot of who I was for him. I was a simple girl who liked sports and movies and being involved in the theater and the church. I loved hanging out with my friends and being on the go. But once we moved to Fullerton all that changed. I even stopped watching football. Was it entirely his fault? No, I didn't have to change, I could have just stuck to my guns and 5 or so years ago we would have realized that we were completely incompatible and that sometimes you can't go back to the way that things used to be and pick up right where you left off. I wasn't the same person he dated 8 years prior, nor was he the same. He wasn't bad, just different, and I was different and our differences were so drastic that I compromised myself into who I thought he wanted me to be. That left me insecure and worried that if any part of me wasn't what he wanted (personality and interest wise) that he would find someone else who could fill that void. And I realized, on that 3rd day, that that is precisely what happened. I became the someone else who filled that void....but it made me miserable and made him fall out of love with me. Part of me wishes he could have just been happy with the fact that he had someone in his life who knew who she was and was completely opposite from him, but I changed for him. And that didn't work. So now I am a month out of the house. Life is going ok, but we still have to get through this divorce thing. Its gonna be bad, I can feel it in my bones, even though the two of us are trying to make it as amicable as possible. But when money comes into play we have issues. It will always get dirty. Sad. As for this new phase of my life I am trying to get on with where I left off before I got into drugs and then got married. I am trying to get me back. Who am I? I am a singer, a writer, and actress, a stage tech, a friend, a sister, a daughter, a geek, and a hopeless romantic. I sill believe in love, I still believe in romance....is it out there for me? Only time will tell. Is there an actual puzzle piece out there that I have been missing that can give me my special brand of romance and intimacy? Stay tuned to find out.